Surviving

People who wallow in self-pity have always annoyed me to no extent. They whine, complain, crib and curse their unfortunate lives, because they are convinced beyond the shadow of a doubt that nothing can go right in their lives. I am always itching to tell these people to basically get over it and get a life. No cloud has that damn silver lining, but one does not need it really!

I think of how over the last year or so, I have come to the point where I can actually club myself with "those people".The needless panic attacks, the sudden freezes, meaningless tears and blame game have come to characterize a large part of who I am. I am almost ashamed to admit that there are times I wonder whether I can sink any lower. It is okay to ask for help. But not when this surge of sympathy for the self overcomes you. It is not acceptable to me to believe my stars are forever crossed and there is no way out. So what if I am a walking-talking-living, daily calamity?

I am amazed at how friends and family think of me as stable, patient and tolerant. I laugh in my head when they say these things. I am glad they draw comfort from my words, but if only they knew that their source was a crazy person, who tries too hard to come across as sane. Well, I guess when it comes to their troubles, their pains, I am incredibly rational at hearing them out..or offering a reasonable solution even..or simply listening and never judging. A close friend of mine actually said to me once that I happen to be the most non-judgemental person she knows. It is a pity how harshly I judge myself then. Why do I set these exacting standards for myself then..?Is it that hard to accept that there is a reason I'm so messed up right now.

Murphy with his goddam law can screw me over as much as he likes. The trick is to mess with him right back. I fell flat in the middle of the tube station on my way to dinner the other night. Looking at nothing and no one, I picked myself up and calmly boarded the train. There was this horrible deja-vu, but I willed it away. I guess I am on my way. I will annoy myself less and less over the months to come.

Survive. That I will.