Payback

Do I believe in retribution?I never did. But I am starting to convince myself now.There is a person on this earth who would give his life for me, who loves me like no other, maybe even more than himself. It has always frightened me to have this kind of an impact on another human being. I strongly believe in taking responsibility for my own actions. In this case of course, I would somehow end up being accountable, because we were so very intertwined, by the very nature of our relationship.

Last year..2007, was bleak, dull, dreary and miserable for him. He sat home alone on Christmas crying for several hours, hoping against hope, that I would miraculously appear through the door. He wept hot tears, cursed me vehemently, threatened me in the most verbally abusive manner. It was the most extreme emotionality. I did not have the patience or the sensitivity. It was a landmark event for him. I, on the other hand, could not have cared less. I shocked myself with my extreme lack of emotion, more so because it so sharply contradicted with his superfluous ardour. Well, I just didn't understand it or try to fathom it even for more than what it was on the surface.

Today, I am home alone. No, this is not even home. I am in a dingy, dull, almost uninhabited student residence, fending for myself, trying not to feel alone. I have always prided myself on the ability to function independently. Why then this despondency?Why are the sudden tears threatening to fall? I am left amazed at the bleak prospect of a New Year's Eve spent by myself, drowning in unknown miseries. Oh, what I would give to call and curse certain people. But I don't of course, have the liberty to. Besides, whatever happened to my 'no expectations' mantra? And what happened to bravely taking accountability and where is that impassive expression of mine that fools that world.

Nonetheless, I am going to get through this unscathed. 31st December 2008 is just another night..not any different from, well...8th August 1998..or 4th June 1750. Well, the point has been driven home. I hope so, for my sake, at least. I understand how things come full circle. He had warned me they would. Retribution may be too strong a word to use in this context. But as far as I am concerned, this is exactly what it is and it is playing itself out to perfection.

Guilt-free

It is indeed strange how guilt as an emotion has left me completely. It has detached itself from my very being; consequently I have reached a point where 'right' and 'wrong' merge so completely, that I have redefined the very concepts. I am not sure whether it is okay to be feeling this way. After years of judgement and unecessary censure from those around me, I suppose I do deserve to live through a guiltless existence. It is a world where acceptability to things previously alien to me, have suddenly taken on a novel form. I console myself in fashioning those things to suit my purpose.

I was telling a friend yesterday, how I feel guilty about not feeling guilty. I suppose then, shreds of that unwanted emotion do remain in traces. But the funny thing is, I will very soon overcome that too. What am I left with then?A self-centred, hedonistic pursuit of ephemeral happiness. Moments that will leave a lasting impression. Impactful incidences of loss of reason. But when was it ever a 'bad' thing to lose all rationality? It gives one a sense of boundless freedom and a liberating feeling like no other. So for now, until further notice, guilt is at bay...far, far from my reaches. Safely ensconed in a bubble somewhere...a place that I cannot (or will not) reach for.

Blur

I am on vacation. A strange, completely bewildering holiday, where I have lost all sense of time and the days pass me by one after another. I feel like it is some sort of a never-ending dream and I am floating about in the atmosphere. Something very Jungian about it. There are realities that merge with illusions. There are clashes and contradictions that I try in vain, to decipher. There are moments that I would love to freeze, but that still pass me by, in harsh, cruel ways. There is also ecstasy, coupled with hopelessness.

I am sorry this sounds like it was written when I was stoned. No, wait, why should I apologize on my own blog entry! But there is a tangled web in my mind that I'm desperately trying to escape. There is a sense of focus and rationality that I am trying to regain. Shreds of dignity that I'm attempting to restore, just for my own peace of mind. Essays that have to be written on topics I couldn't care less about. Maybe it is time to crash back to reality and stop defying gravity. Fantastically enough, I am searching for what I thought was my incredible ability to snap in and snap out. But it seems to be lost somewhere.

If I don't find it soon enough, there could be dire consequences.

I am in an exceptionally dull mood today. The day has been dark, dreary and terribly monotonous. I have procrastinated all day. It is almost seven o clock and in about five hours I am going to be sleepy again. There is an itchiness in my throat and I can feel the beginning of an annoying cold. God knows I hate this! The only high point was when I spoke to my family today, except that it suddenly made me very homesick. Who knew I had the capacity to miss home?

I am feeling so blah...!The head feels like its stuffed with a ton of bricks and is going to explode. I need to be alone..take a walk by myself, get lost in the world...just detach and alienate! It always works..lifts me out of my gloom...or not. or not. or not.

this piece is so staccato. i have no idea how to overcome this feeling!