Do I believe in retribution?I never did. But I am starting to convince myself now.There is a person on this earth who would give his life for me, who loves me like no other, maybe even more than himself. It has always frightened me to have this kind of an impact on another human being. I strongly believe in taking responsibility for my own actions. In this case of course, I would somehow end up being accountable, because we were so very intertwined, by the very nature of our relationship.
Last year..2007, was bleak, dull, dreary and miserable for him. He sat home alone on Christmas crying for several hours, hoping against hope, that I would miraculously appear through the door. He wept hot tears, cursed me vehemently, threatened me in the most verbally abusive manner. It was the most extreme emotionality. I did not have the patience or the sensitivity. It was a landmark event for him. I, on the other hand, could not have cared less. I shocked myself with my extreme lack of emotion, more so because it so sharply contradicted with his superfluous ardour. Well, I just didn't understand it or try to fathom it even for more than what it was on the surface.
Today, I am home alone. No, this is not even home. I am in a dingy, dull, almost uninhabited student residence, fending for myself, trying not to feel alone. I have always prided myself on the ability to function independently. Why then this despondency?Why are the sudden tears threatening to fall? I am left amazed at the bleak prospect of a New Year's Eve spent by myself, drowning in unknown miseries. Oh, what I would give to call and curse certain people. But I don't of course, have the liberty to. Besides, whatever happened to my 'no expectations' mantra? And what happened to bravely taking accountability and where is that impassive expression of mine that fools that world.
Nonetheless, I am going to get through this unscathed. 31st December 2008 is just another night..not any different from, well...8th August 1998..or 4th June 1750. Well, the point has been driven home. I hope so, for my sake, at least. I understand how things come full circle. He had warned me they would. Retribution may be too strong a word to use in this context. But as far as I am concerned, this is exactly what it is and it is playing itself out to perfection.
Last year..2007, was bleak, dull, dreary and miserable for him. He sat home alone on Christmas crying for several hours, hoping against hope, that I would miraculously appear through the door. He wept hot tears, cursed me vehemently, threatened me in the most verbally abusive manner. It was the most extreme emotionality. I did not have the patience or the sensitivity. It was a landmark event for him. I, on the other hand, could not have cared less. I shocked myself with my extreme lack of emotion, more so because it so sharply contradicted with his superfluous ardour. Well, I just didn't understand it or try to fathom it even for more than what it was on the surface.
Today, I am home alone. No, this is not even home. I am in a dingy, dull, almost uninhabited student residence, fending for myself, trying not to feel alone. I have always prided myself on the ability to function independently. Why then this despondency?Why are the sudden tears threatening to fall? I am left amazed at the bleak prospect of a New Year's Eve spent by myself, drowning in unknown miseries. Oh, what I would give to call and curse certain people. But I don't of course, have the liberty to. Besides, whatever happened to my 'no expectations' mantra? And what happened to bravely taking accountability and where is that impassive expression of mine that fools that world.
Nonetheless, I am going to get through this unscathed. 31st December 2008 is just another night..not any different from, well...8th August 1998..or 4th June 1750. Well, the point has been driven home. I hope so, for my sake, at least. I understand how things come full circle. He had warned me they would. Retribution may be too strong a word to use in this context. But as far as I am concerned, this is exactly what it is and it is playing itself out to perfection.
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