Unwelcome visitor

Guilt is one of the most powerful feelings in the world. It is self-consuming and leads you to the darkest dungeons of despair within your mind, that you never knew existed. It takes you to levels of hopelessness and sorrow that you never thought would be possible to experience. It robs you of every ounce of peace and freedom. Sometimes it draws you into a web of unreasonable beliefs about yourself that are so self-reinforcing that you start to treat them as reality. It preys on you when you least expect it, brings unseen tears to your eyes and mocks you when you sleep every night. It spies on you when you laugh...you can feel its cruel sneer when you enjoy...it looks through your soul when you feel the slightest hint of peace..you can almost see its ugly grimace when you reassure yourself. The vice-like grip is so overpowering that at times you want to be able to go to any lengths to escape. It is impossible to shield yourself from it as it entwines itself intimately into your conscience till it is an integral part of your being.

Do you come to reconcile yourself with it or fiercely battle it or do you start to believe its insinuations?How do you learn to live with yourself?How do you separate the constant unease from your soul?What do you do with this twisted entity that forces itself into your system and takes you from the mundane rigors of daily life to a convoluted plot against yourself?

What will it take for you to make me stop crying in the shower each day?

Painful persistence

Yesterday I was reading an article on a psychological phenomenon called "Escalated Committment", which is essentially a human being's tendency to continue following up on a failing course of action. This is particularly pronounced when he receives negative feedback on it and when he assumes personal responsibility for it. So basically, the more I tell you the situation sucks and especially if I reiterate that your own actions created this mess, the more you feel fueled somehow to prove me and especially yourself wrong.

It seemed strangely familiar. I mean, how common is it? I can think of examples from so many friends' lives. Why is it that we wish to persist in the face of failure?Could it be termed 'determination' or merely..well, 'digging your own grave'. Why must human beings be driven by this strong need to justify their actions to themselves and others? To think of the thousands of relationships and/or marriages that don't work. We often think we can dedicate our entire lifetimes to 'making things work.' Work in progress, we like to call it. And when reality bites, we continue to believe that there is indeed something we may not have tried. Hence, couples therapy, sessions and sessions of painful exploration. I'm not saying that continued effort in the face of obvious failure is necessarily a bad thing..when it actually works, you may value your accomplishment even more than you ever would have. But lets face it, more often than not, it could just end up socking you in the face.

I asked myself whether I fall into this category of dreadfully persistent "self-justifiers"(if that's even a word!). In some respects...I fit the bill completely. When I tried to explore my personal reasons for it, I drew a blank. The motivations are so complex that sometimes I cannot explain even to myself why I am doing what I am doing. Sometimes the end of the tunnel is nearer than you think but you believe you have 'miles to go' before you take that bend.

Maybe its time we(I!) realized that abandoning something/someone/or a doomed course of action, does not make us cowards or losers. Sometimes...well, at least sometimes, it is for the best. Lets just say its time we 'woke up and smelt the coffee'?

Family Ties

I have often wondered what it means to me to be away from family. I've realized that I have the most contradictory feelings towards them, as is typical of me towards most things in life. Can I say they have been a pillar of strength and source of constant support..well, certainly not always. Even so, just speaking with them is strangely comforting. Do I miss them here in London? Not particularly. Except when I'm sick and need fussing over. I understand on some level, that they are not to blame (at least not directly), for the things that have gone so irreparably wrong in my life.

I miss my Mum's concern, I like that Dad needs to check on me everyday, I adore playing big sister to Gabs and miss Miyama to death. I cry for my dog, who is in some godforsaken miserable place right now and think of him everyday. I love that I love my family despite the fact that they are the most dysfunctional unit I have ever encountered. It is one of those anchors in life that you will always be bound to. Its the only form of unconditional love I have experienced, which is of some consolation, as I often doubt my capacity to love. They are and always will be my safety net, people I will defend even if they have screwed up in the worst possible ways. It is good to know that there are a set of people in the world who I will always stand by..."just because" I would.

Revitalization

This is a homecoming of sorts. A stark departure from the dark (yet rhyming) poetry of September 2007, one of the lowest phases of my life. I now return to the basics; this is not to be a display of my once-exemplary, now-average writing skills, but rather an expression of the best and worst of me and those around me. Okay, that was too long, not to mention too loaded a sentence. I wish I could revise, erase and maybe completely vanquish some of the things that made me not so great a human being. But that is not to be. So I will try, in more than one way to recreate the feeling that once made me look forward to each new morning. As Maya so aptly put it, "London is therapeutic". And you were damn right..as it is for me, in ways I could never have imagined.

There is a feeling of despair that I cannot help but carry with me; I don't believe its something that will ever completely remove itself from my being. But the fact that I actually, genuinely feel and believe there is hope (a word that never has been a part of my vocabulary), somehow suggests there is a revitalization in process. And I for one, eagerly look forward to what it might bring.