turning 24

as much as i pretend to be a stony-hearted, aloof bitch with the capacity to bear anything, i am not. in reality, i am horribly desperate for people, company and familiar faces. today has been the worst birthday of my life. i haven't seen a soul i know or care about. i have been sitting here feeling extremely sorry for myself. i haven't been able to stop crying for the past one hour. what is strange is almost everyone remembered...i've had calls from dubai, australia, messages from pakistan, and of course india. i also got surprises in the form of phone calls i would have least expected. my facebook wall was completely crammed with messages from everyone. my roommate came back yesterday just for fifteen minutes to give me a gift.

why then do i feel so hopelessly alone?why then can't these tears stop?....i know i need to stop feeling sorry for myself, i know this is extremely pathetic behaviour and way, way below my dignity. i hate putting on this appearance that all is well. i hate the fake cover-up. regent park lifted my spirits for a good one hour but then i was swirled right back into this desperate labyrinth of my dark mind. i keep asking myself to stop...self-pity is detestable and god knows i hate it.all i need is some calm and peace of mind.but i just cannot will away this awfully self-consuming mess of utter despair.there is another pressing reason why i'm devastated, one that i do not choose to admit even to myself.

i know i need to feel alive, vibrant, 24 and free...but there is a mass inside of me that makes it tough to even swallow. i have to move past this. the darkest hour is past. six hours to go and it'll again be a normal, inconsequential day. what does it matter?let it to its best to overpower me, but when i wake up tomorrow, it'll be all gone. it will have lost its power over me.even while i try desperately to control my feelings, i know that expectations are what lay at the source. i know i needed to battle them, but i didnt. now here i am in their vice-like grip, crying hot tears in a dark, dingy room.