Fears

I am beginning to get increasingly frightened about the future. The prospect of this year ending is just so scary. I have no idea what lies ahead. What is even worse is the fact that I have always been excited about the unknown. But for a change, I am scared sick. More so, I enjoy these lazy days and weeks here. My time in London has been a breath of fresh air...a wonderful departure from the anxious, tense and tough days in Bombay. Be it the people I've met and grown fond of or just the spirit of the city itself or living life on my own terms...I suppose I am going to miss it. Okay, I don't 'suppose'..I am definitely going to miss it. The idea that it is soon going to be all over is something I have to come to terms with. For that acceptance to come about, I will need to push myself considerably. I did not think it would be this hard for me, especially because I always knew this was practically a 10 month course.

I am starting to think my recent bouts of tears have something to do with this unsettling feeling. I cannot get it out of my head that there are just 4 months to go. I always knew this would end but what about it is so hard for me to accept? I have always been able to detach from things, people etc and snap right back to another life, another place, another world. The idea of heading back to Bombay..that awful atmosphere...those everyday battles...the harsh realities...well, it is horribly unnerving. But I do know I have to orient myself towards it, work within my own crazy mind to develop a new frame of reference. I am not sure what lies ahead. But I will hope that it is positive...or at least, not completely negative! For one thing I've learned here is to keep an open mind, not think excessively or ruminate pointlessly and most importantly, just 'be'.

Strange solace

I think I function in a rather strange way. Odd things make me happy. I find comfort in peculiarities. Anyone observing me would think I am indeed weird. But as long as it keeps me content, I honestly do not care. My dysfunctionality often tends to be infectious. People happily label me as a 'nutcase' and laugh at/with me. It is both my weakness and a source of strength. I think it complements my contradictions very well.

Looking back at the past one month, there have been a few decisions that could, in principle, be regarded as fundamentally flawed. Yet in that 'wrong', I find elements of 'right'. Maybe those decisions were mindless, completely unbeneficial to me or even had (or will have) potentially negative consequences. They quite possibly arose out of nothing at all. But as long as I can live without regret and continue to seek solace in my shortcomings, it is okay.

Strange, random and often inexplicable deeds/behaviour continue to dominate my life. As I go about making simple, yet potentially complex choices each day, I wonder if I should stop and retrace my steps. Only to realize that I gladly thrive on such mindlessness. So I suppose its only fair that I stay on track. It makes me happy and keeps me sane. Well...at least, others too can have a good laugh and congratulate themselves on their superiority.

a beautiful distortion

Ever since the year 2009 crept up upon us, three friends have been joined with their partners in holy matrimony and all that! Lorena, one of my closest school friends, Carol, 'dearest of all dears' and Pria, an entertainer throughout college. Funnily, all three have been quite promiscuous throughout the time I've known them. Its strange for me to actually conceive of the fact that they took the final plunge! I mean, what could have led them to take that decision and stick by it. Was it hard for them to walk down the aisle and speak those vows out loud. Did they really mean it when they proclaimed that they would love their partners forever? Is there such a thing as forever....

I've often wondered what pushes one to take such a daunting step. How can one know with complete certainty that they are ready to spend the rest of their lives with a man and with him only. The element of risk is so startlingly clear that I cannot imagine how 91% of the world can be so risk-taking in nature. It is such a frightening thought that someone's existence can be tied to yours. The extent of dependance it can potentially foster can squeeze one out of every ounce of self-reliance. You become infinitely tied to this other person, at the risk of almost losing your own identity. (Well, you do literally lose part of your identity, unless you choose not to). It also seems to me to be such an uphill task to maintain the 'love', the spark or whatever else that is needed to keep marriages alive. Related to this
is the fear that you would inexplicably stop loving that person, or vice-versa. If there are so many little things to worry about, so many concerns that are real, is it really worth all the effort? Marriage is supposed to be a remarkably splendid journey, I cannot help but wonder if its a journey I'm ever willing to embark on.

My apologies to anyone reading this. I did not mean to speak in such a manner about an age-old institution. All I'm saying is that I am probably not cut out for it, because of my own dysfunctional nature and the dysfunctionality (if there is such a word!), that I spread around me. Sorry, my description of the fears associated with marriage are simply a beautiful distortion.

feelings~expectations~

I imagine one cannot control one's feelings for someone. This is why they are so impromptu and follow so natural a course of things. Sometimes they come out of nowhere and hit you in the strangest ways possible. When they do, you end up feeling silly and helpless, sometimes even pathetic. But pathetically giggly and smiling. I assume they creep up on you so insidiously that you don't even know when it happened. You try and pinpoint that one precise moment where you started caring for that person and you amazingly cannot seem to do so. But you smile, in the pleasant knowledge that you are happy and so are they, for the most part. However ephemeral, but happy nonetheless.

With feelings come expectations. Now these are the ones to watch out for. They crawl into your head and forcibly put in thoughts you would rather avoid. They lead you to want some things that cannot be. There are longings and imaginings that you'd rather confine to the recesses of your mind. You try to rationalize with yourself, you rebuke yourself even, or try to regain focus. But the expectations have already made their way into your brain. Needless to say, you are now the perfect candidate for a steady string of disappointments. These are such inconsequential let-downs that people would laugh if they ever heard. But they take on such meaning and significance for you, that you cannot help but let them have their expected impact. But of course, you are bound to have high hopes that are invariably thrashed...but that is completely justifiable, one would suppose.

Feelings...expectations...disappointments...moments of gladness..they all form part of this cycle, that you would have done best to avoid in the first place. But once they are set in motion..well, lets just say the big wheels keep on turning!

Stranger than fiction

It is amazing how things change so dramatically over the course of a single day. There I was feeling completely shattered, feeling sorry for myself, when I decided to step into the kitchen for a glass of wine. Me and a girl who had no idea it was my birthday cracked open a bottle of white and we drank like there was no tomorrow. As the booze insiduously hit my brain, we started chatting with two Italian men, who came up to us, under the pretext of a cool number game. We spoke with them for about an hour, after which it was decided we would go to dinner.

Amaretto...a decent, though rather expensive Italian restaurant, where we ate a big meal. All the while, one of these guys stared at me, to the point of extreme discomfort. I averted my gaze each time, and tried speaking of neutral topics, but he couldn't let go of the fact that my eyes were something that "very few" had. It was strange spending my birthday with these complete strangers. Nonetheless, there was cheesecake, with a candle that I blew out...and everyone in the restaurant sang "Happy Birthday"!

We had a stupid bet with them and to find out the conclusion to that we decided to Google the answer. We sat in my room, listening to sappy Italian music. Then the concerned guy kept inching closer and closer to me and saying cornier and cornier things. Mr. Persistent then commented on the soft bed and excellent heating in my room, all the while reiterating that he wasnt dangerous. I politely asked him to leave, as it was 2am by this time....but of course he insisted on staying the night. "No" is apparently not a word that exists in the Italian vocabulary! After an hour of coaxing, cheap tricks, begging and a little bitchiness (okay, lots of it), this partially good-looking, part-gigolo, hottie wannabe, was forced out of my room by his friend and mine.

There were strange knocks on my door every half an hour while I lay on my bed speaking to Sarvesh. I was afraid to even go out and pee for fear of running into him! I didnt know whether to be flattered or call the police! So much for turning 24; the naivete has to go....assertiveness has to take its place. One thing though, I now have accomodation in Rome, for when I visit in March..and Naples too;)

turning 24

as much as i pretend to be a stony-hearted, aloof bitch with the capacity to bear anything, i am not. in reality, i am horribly desperate for people, company and familiar faces. today has been the worst birthday of my life. i haven't seen a soul i know or care about. i have been sitting here feeling extremely sorry for myself. i haven't been able to stop crying for the past one hour. what is strange is almost everyone remembered...i've had calls from dubai, australia, messages from pakistan, and of course india. i also got surprises in the form of phone calls i would have least expected. my facebook wall was completely crammed with messages from everyone. my roommate came back yesterday just for fifteen minutes to give me a gift.

why then do i feel so hopelessly alone?why then can't these tears stop?....i know i need to stop feeling sorry for myself, i know this is extremely pathetic behaviour and way, way below my dignity. i hate putting on this appearance that all is well. i hate the fake cover-up. regent park lifted my spirits for a good one hour but then i was swirled right back into this desperate labyrinth of my dark mind. i keep asking myself to stop...self-pity is detestable and god knows i hate it.all i need is some calm and peace of mind.but i just cannot will away this awfully self-consuming mess of utter despair.there is another pressing reason why i'm devastated, one that i do not choose to admit even to myself.

i know i need to feel alive, vibrant, 24 and free...but there is a mass inside of me that makes it tough to even swallow. i have to move past this. the darkest hour is past. six hours to go and it'll again be a normal, inconsequential day. what does it matter?let it to its best to overpower me, but when i wake up tomorrow, it'll be all gone. it will have lost its power over me.even while i try desperately to control my feelings, i know that expectations are what lay at the source. i know i needed to battle them, but i didnt. now here i am in their vice-like grip, crying hot tears in a dark, dingy room.

Happy New Year!

Once again another new year...another day of reflecting about my lack of purpose, thoroughly disenchanting existence and of bleaker days to come. (Okay, Maya would kill me!)...So to revert to 'positive thinking', let's see. I am studying at one of the top institutions in the world, will surely get a job somewhere, despite the sorry state of the economy, most (i repeat, most) people don't find me half-bad (okay, they like me!) and I have stricken at least some fun "things to do before i die" off my list. That can't be too terrible. 2008 was in fact a million times better than 2007, by that logic, 2009 has got to have better things in store...I am not sure what there is to look forward to but it will be interesting to find out.

It is also a good idea to reflect on the kind of person I have become. Sometimes my lack of caring shocks me. It is antithetical to my idea of myself as a 'good' human being. But 'good' can have a dozen other connotations, can it not?It doesn't have to take on restrictive, conventional meanings. Are there things I am ashamed of?Not really. I have no regrets, but for November 29th, 2006. That I can live with. I have moved past it in the most beautiful way possible. So resilience is obviously something I have.

This New Year, I have a few resolutions I am hoping to keep. They are simple, yet meaningful to me. They appear easy, but are ironically some of the hardest things for me to do. I also plan to push myself to smile more often, think ahead rather than backward and challenge myself to be 'good' in my own eyes. As long as I don't disappoint myself, it is okay...the world had better deal with who I am.